I think it is kind of awful/strange/obnoxious that the only times I want to to write are when I'm in a terrible mood or I'm in a ridiculously enlightened mood. I suppose those are times I feel I actually have something to write about.

I wish I could bring myself to write more often, as when I do it, I feel better. It passes time, it chronicles my thoughts, and it releases tension and anxiety. I suppose writing more often would lead me to getting used to it and thus writing more often. Perhaps, I will make an effort to do that. Either here or in a written journal, as I don't know why I need to put my life on the internet for everyone to read (when in reality, if anyone reads it, the number is more around 2). I have another live journal account that is far more interesting, but that one is unrelated to this one, and pretty inactive at the moment as well. Blah.
  • Current Music
    Another Way to Die - Disturbed

Stuff Going on

There's a lot of stuff going on and its really hard to keep up with.

- Work is a pain in the butt. I'm basically running things while Amy is gone. It's great having someone helping me with stuff but we each have assignments and mine are way too huge. The thing is that its something that is difficult to break up between the two of us, so I'm carrying a lot and it's getting difficult. Hopefully things will start to run smoother. We had a scare today about not getting a package to someone and I had so much adrenaline and my heart was racing so much I dont think I have enough energy to walk to the dining hall. Pizza tonight.

- I'm in a class and I don't like it too much. Way behind on the first problem set. I find it hard to ask people for help to begin with, but I know the TA and I don't want her to think I'm dumb. On top of that, fun fact: During the summer I was contemplating whether I wanted to continue to be friends with her or not. Shes a grad student and very talented so I dont think she would be terribly upset if we grew apart, but I have a huge crush on her and she is straight and it kills me sometimes. We are still friends, though, and that is also getting in the way of her being a TA (for me, at least, I don't think she could care less).

- I feel like there was a third thing because there were so many things bothering me, but it might just be work and school. Although that pretty much is all there is to my life at this point. Well, except for my friends and Jon. And things are going well there, so I guess thats good...

Not bothering to edit this, going to work on stuff for work and hope that I can calm down before tomorrow


In the past people have been surprised when I have told them that I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I get a lot of, "but you're so happy!" and stuff like that. But most of the time I'm not.

I guess the reason I might seem happy is because I don't talk about my problems often.
I don't talk about my problems often because I think of them as petty, or I don't want people to know, or I don't really know whats wrong. Part of my major depressive disorder is just a general feeling of depression, for no particular reason. So even if you see me upset, you can ask me what's wrong, and I might not even be able to tell you.
I hate not knowing why I feel the way I do.

I also hate when people ask what might cheer me up. If I knew that, I would do it myself.
Most of the time the best thing for people to do is just sit there, or cuddle, or leave me alone.

There was more I wanted to say about this but I forget. What a surprise.

I guess the thing that indirectly prompted this was that today I really wanted to do something, and I knew who I wanted to do it with. How I work: Once I get a picture of how I want something to be in my head I usually don't want to do anything else if that idea is plausible (ie: I want to go to the beach instead of the mall [plausible], as opposed to: I want to marry Janeane Garofalo [unfortunately, not plausible]). But I never told the person that I wanted to go with that I wanted to go with them, so they never knew, I guess. So I didn't go. And now I am sad that I didn't get to a)go where I wanted b) See that person c) go where I wanted with that person and d)also turned down other plans in anticipation of what never ended up happening

...and it brings up other things that I wish I had said or done in the past. Because this situation could have totally been avoided. And things like this have happened before.
There definitely seems to be a serious flaw in my thinking. I think it has to do with where I am set in what I want to do, but I don't know how to get over that.
  • Current Music
    Happy? - Mudvayne

I think it's funny

That I have a post from two years ago saying I'm going to try to start writing again.

That went well.

I suppose I could start writing here again, it wouldn't hurt. But the terms I started this livejournal on are funny now. On one hand its kinda interesting to see that/how I've changed, but on the other hand, it's kinda creepy.
  • Current Music
    Linkin Park - Session
  • Tags


I just read through my whole journal and I said a lot of things. At the time I meant them, and its good to be able to read certain entriesand revisit those times. That summer with the four of us on the porch every night, eating nutella with our fingers, come on, who wouldnt want to do that all over again?
I do so much, I think so much. I think too much?
Ha. I can't start again.
Gods know what I'll do.
I'm going to college.
  • Current Music
    Disturbed - Prayer